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Jun 02

Ups and Downs

I have wanted to post each day this week but the other day the internet at my house was on the fritz. Seemed everything me and the kids wanted to do somehow involved the internet – it was a reminder how much my whole family relies on it!

I want this blog to always remain positive and hopeful because that is an appropriate reflection of me – a person who strives to remain positive and hopeful while raising a child with autism. Firstly, I don’t want readers to think that I am this negative mom of a child with autism who is always sad. Second, I want this blog to be a place where people can come to find uplifting stories or advice. I am attempting to make this blog just that, but I also want to be honest about our experience on this autism journey.

With that said, I do need to express my feelings because that was one of the motivations for creating this blog. I think it will be therapeutic for me to get the feelings out there in the universe. I basically just had a tough day the other day. Not sure why the day seemed worse than other days. With a husband who has been spending 70 or so hours a week out of the home with work and studying to take CPA exams, it has been a tough year. I think perhaps something happened that was the last drop in the bucket that was already overflowing. The bucket fell over and spilled everywhere is I guess where I am going with this comparison!

Brody refusing to say words he used to say, eye contact decreasing, trying to be independent in the wrong ways which results in a spilled ½ gallon of juice and climbing up to get to a DVD player, and more stories like that. Then my typical functioning 4 year old seems to be more like a teenager lately with stomping away, yelling, “I hate you” and slamming doors. It seemed to be one of those days where I tried to be a good, patient mom who plays with her kids. Then no matter how I tried, the frustrations were there. A good cry and some hysterics to my husband helped. The day simply ended with me thinking (for the millionth time), “I just don’t know how to be a mom to my kids”.

Everyone talks a person out of these thoughts but they are real and genuine. My neighbors, friends and relatives are not there for the tough times and people don’t see how I react or the chaos of our home. My self-esteem as a woman is as complex and sensitive as being a mother to my children – actual much more. The ups and downs with Brody have just seemed to become more frequent and intense. One day I’ll hear him sing a song and I can clearly understand what he is saying or he puts his dish away without being asked. The same day that happens Brody will hit and scream when I tell him “no” for something or refuse to wash his hands. I have discovered these waves of ups and downs with Brody cause waves of emotional frustration and hope for improvement. It is as if my brain and heart cannot handle the two and I have a day where the day itself has not been so bad but somehow I melt into an emotional wreck but recover and I am fine.

I mean there is nothing to do about these circumstances and these waves of ups and downs. I won’t stop working for and with Brody to improve and I won’t stop hoping for things to improve. At the same time while on this journey through autism Brody will do well while at the same time regress. It is a fact that over the years I struggle with all the time.

Well here is to another day filled with the highs and lows of life!

 

1 comment

  1. Delaina Miller

    Golda your honest and love for your boys and family shines through the challenges. Admitting the challenges does not make you weak or a bad mom. You are a strong woman and a fantastic mother and I am proud that you are my sister-in-law.

    <3

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